Recently I’ve been reflecting on my 4 postpartum experiences I’ve been through, and writing about breastfeeding in particular.
After one of my births, I didn’t breastfeed, however.
Instead, I expressed milk — by hand and with breast pumps. For 6 weeks. Why?
The decision not to breastfeed the baby wasn’t my choice. He wasn’t my baby. The baby was my nephew, who I gladly birthed out of love for his parents who needed a surrogate in order to have a biological child.
In fact, his mother decided to induce lactation herself. She consulted with an IBCLC, got prescriptions and herbs and a breast pump, which she dutifully used for months leading up to the birth in order to make milk for her son herself.
So why didn’t I just allow my milk to dry up?
There were 3 reasons. First, I wanted to heal well from the birth, and I knew that expressing milk would help my uterus to contract back to its pre-pregnancy size.
Secondly, I love my nephew and wanted the best for him. Even though his mother successfully fed him, it was still helpful for them to have my bagged milk for supplementation, as inducing lactation is really hard and doesn’t always supply everything a baby needs.
Lastly, I didn’t want to have any regrets. I didn’t know what the postpartum experience would be like this time, my 4th trip through childbearing. I knew if I let my milk dry up, I wouldn’t have much of a chance to bring it back if I felt later like I wished I would have. Maybe that sounds weird. I just know that lactation is what brings the childbearing cycle full circle, and it seemed like I would have more closure with the surrogacy if I followed through by allowing the milk to flow.
The weirdest part of it was that we had a construction project going on, and I didn’t want all the workers at my home to see me pumping. I had an amazing pump already, but with the help of insurance, ordered another pump which I could wear in my bra. Wow, was that helpful!
Initially, I thought I would pump on a schedule that mimics how often newborns need to eat. By day 2, I realized it was pretty amazing to give birth and get the chance to sleep really well afterwards! So, I gradually slept longer at night. Thank God, I didn’t have any problems engorgement due to full nights of sleep.
I also got to travel with my family to a theme park, Universal Orlando, during those pumping days. It was fun to discover that the nursing rooms they have, which I used for pumping, are so very nice!
In the wake of birthing my nephew, I did end up with a mental health crisis, and I am not sure how much worse it would have been if I hadn’t pumped. I am glad that I did it!
Breastfeeding is a gift. I treasured feeding all 3 of my children, and definitely felt more closure after that 4th birth because of the pumping I did for my nephew. There’s no going back in time to change our decisions.
The last word for this very brief memoir is a kudos for my sister-in-law, and her supportive husband who helped wash her pump for months! I am also so proud of my sister-in-law for how devoted she was to preparing her milk supply and feeding her son after the birth for 3 months! That is not a small feat for someone who never had the chance to give birth to her own son. She is amazing!
Thanks for reading.
Certified Breastfeeding Specialist, West Palm Beach, FL 